I recently wrote about remaining calm while waiting 45 minutes at a customer service desk (Rewarding Mellow). In case you wondered how I stay mellow, I will share with you my secrets. These are techniques that I have worked for years to master and that have helped me in business, marriage, parenthood and many other walks of life.

I’ll use marriage as an example. See, I used to get impatient while waiting for my wife. We are supposed to meet our friends at the restaurant in ten minutes. How can she still be getting ready? How long does it take to put on makeup!? When are we going to leave!?!?!?! I used to confront my wife about these things. I made three discoveries in these confrontations that have helped me change my approach.

(1) My questions did not speed her up. If anything, they slowed down the process. This discovery was important, because it forced me to recognize that I had very little control over the situation. I find the same to be true in most customer service situations like the one I wrote about at Lowe’s. I can ask questions, push, agitate, do any number of things, but in the end, they had to search their whole warehouse to determine my screen door wasn’t there. No questions or anger or prodding would have changed that. Key lesson: disrupting the process doesn’t speed it up.

(2) My wife does not like to be rushed, and the unhappiness generated by fighting about being late greatly outweighed the unhappiness that came from just being late. I don’t like to be unhappy. I’m also not particularly fond of being angry. If I have a choice, at any given moment, I’d prefer to be calm and happy vs. angry and unhappy. This sounds obvious, but it’s amazing how often people choose the latter. Key lesson: getting angry won’t make me happy.

(3) Paying attention to being late only adds to the anxiety. I used to turn the TV off and put away my book or newspaper when it came time to leave. At that point the only thing I had left to do was to watch the clock. There are few things that raise my anxiety more than watching the clock show me getting later and later and later. Now I try to find the most interesting TV show to watch or article to read or game to play. I look for some activity to engage in that will actually aggravate me to have to stop. It totally takes my mind off of waiting. Key lesson: being happy makes the time fly.

It’s easy to get upset at bad customer service. This is especially so when getting angry, yelling at people, threatening, and stomping your feet gets a reward. As someone who tends not to do these things, I find it somewhat annoying when I see people get rewarded for this behavior.

This week I went to Lowe’s to pick up a new screen door. I ordered it a couple of weeks ago and they called me to tell me it had arrived. So I went to the customer service counter to ask for my door. They sent someone right off to get it for me. I stood off to the side to wait. After about ten minutes I asked (calmly and respectfully) about progress. Someone else scurried off to check.

Ten minutes later they triumphantly emerged from the bowels of the warehouse with . . . a range hood. I (calmly and respectfully) pointed out to them that the range hood was not in fact a screen door. They retreated once more to the storage area to search for my door. I checked in again (calmly and respectfully) after 10 minutes. Another associate left to join the search.

When I had been standing there for 45 minutes all of the associates emerged to inform me that my screen door was nowhere to be found. I was calm. Then they told me they would deliver it to my home at no charge. Okay. I left.

Here’s where I want to give kudos to Lowe’s. I had been calm. I didn’t make a scene. I didn’t berate any of their employees. They could have left the situation alone, but they went another step. They rewarded mellow. The next day I received a voicemail apologizing for the error and informing me that they were going to refund my credit card 10% of the purchase.

It’s easy to recognize and reward the squeaky wheel. It takes greater compassion and discipline to reward the person who stands calmly and respectfully off to the side. My Lowe’s did that, and with that gesture, won me back as a customer.

I read about a clothing company called Nau in the June Fast Company. It sounds like a remarkable organization on many levels. They encourage store patrons to have their purchases shipped home. This allows them to carry less inventory, keep their shops smaller and use less energy. They use open source methods for fabric design and invite their competitors to use their fabrics. These are both noteworthy practices, but they aren’t what really caught my eye.

Nau gives 5% of all sales to charities dedicated to solving environmental and humanitarian issues. Given that the gold standard in business is 1%, this is quite a commitment for a company that has just opened its doors. The really interesting part is how they are doing this. When you make a purchase from Nau, they ask you which of their charities you’d like your 5% to go to. This puts the giving experience in the lap of the customer and engages them with the Nau giving mission.

Many companies have charity programs, but few bring their customers into the mix. I think this is valuable for a couple of reasons. First, this is good business. It’s just plain smart to let customers know that you are working to make the world a better place (and not just working to make a profit). Second, this is good for giving. When customers are engaged in this process, they will learn about the Nau charities and experience the warmth of giving to these charities. This is bound to rub off at some point and encourage more giving down the line.

I hope this company is wildly successful. I hope their practices are picked up by others. Check them out and have fun deciding where your 5% will go.