For some time I have been making an effort to live a generally healthy lifestyle. I exercise. I’m trying my best to control my portions. I practice meditation (sometimes). I try to think positively. Yet I also believe that at times it is healthy to let loose - so long as you do so intentionally and without making it a habit.

Well, this Sunday is the Superbowl. My friend Aaron frequently sends me bacon related websites. Well, to Aaron and anyone else reading this post, try this bacon extravaganza on for size. This will be my contribution to the Superbowl party I am attending. This will be my choice for excess.

If I am able, I will let you know on Monday of the joys of this particular excess.

I was speaking with a friend of mine whose mother-in-law had just passed away. They were very close and it was a tough loss for her and her husband. At one point in our conversation we turned to the difficulty so many people have talking to someone who has lost a loved one. Some people had avoided speaking with her altogether. Others were stiff and awkward, completely uncertain about what to say.

This reminded me of my grandmother’s passing. My father at that time taught me two things: (1) how I want to grieve, (2) how I want to support others in grief. In short, he turned his mother’s passing into an opportunity to celebrate her life and to celebrate the coming together of the family for the funeral. He didn’t suppress his sorrow, but he also comfortably unleashed his happiness at seeing his brother, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.

And so when I talk to someone facing grief, this is what I say:

I’m very sorry to hear about your loss.
Please accept my condolences.
I wish for you an easy grief with the comfort of loving family and friends and the joy of the best memories you have of your loved one.

Then I ask about those best memories.

Everyone grieves differently. This isn’t the best way to do it. But for anyone who has suffered a recent loss or knows someone who has, I hope this perspective helps.

Remember, even in grief we can savor the moments of our lives.

Don’t click if you have delicate sensibilities. But if you like British humor, you’ll enjoy this article.

I posted my last blog about liberty and responsibility. Then I read this quote from the brilliant book Authentic Conversations, by Jamie and Maren Showkeir.

“Claiming rights without responsibilities is anarchy. Responsibilities without rights is oppression. Consenting to rights and responsibilities is necessary for us to claim our place as adults.”

I highly recommend this book. It is a serious and extremely valuable read about changing our conversations to build more effective, adult relationships.

In my last blog I wrote about bad apples spoiling things for everyone else. At times it can feel amazing to have a scape goat - to be able to lift the burden of responsibility from your shoulders and place it on someone else. But in doing so we do ourselves a great disservice. We limit our own reach, our own ability to affect the world around us. We accept our negative circumstances and allow them to continue unabated.

Victor Frankl, author of the incredible book Man’s Search for Meaning, wrote about how he thought the Statue of Liberty should be balanced by an equal symbol, a Statue of Responsibility. We all need reminders now and then that the one person we can rely on to take responsibility to turn a bad situation into something good or a good situation into something great is ourselves.

In the case of dealing with the bad apple there are numerous paths to take. Deflect their negativity by focusing conversations and work flow away from them. Call them out and tell them that criticism and negativism isn’t welcome. Remove yourself by avoiding them or leaving the situation in which you see them. If it is in your power, let them go. When people are miserable where they are and making things miserable for those around them, sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to release them to pursue a better fit elsewhere.

The one thing that doesn’t help is choosing to do nothing. Your hopelessness will only empower the negativity to continue. I know having a scape goat can feel great when standing at the water cooler, but do your self a favor. Take some responsibility to go with your liberty. Maybe you’ll turn the person around. The world could use a few less bad apples.

Have you ever encountered someone who brings everyone else down? He (or she) is the reason for all of your woes. He causes your team to fail. He stops you from achieving greatness. It’s all his fault. If only he wasn’t on the team everything would be perfect.

Well there might just be some research to back up your frustrations. This wonderful podcast details the three types of bad apples who actually can and do have dramatic effects on group performance and behavior.

The first 12 minutes offer a fascinating look at how bad behavior can derail a group. I highly encourage you to listen to this as it also provides a suggestion for turning around the bad behavior. The final 45 minutes of the podcast I only encourage you to listen to if you have lots of spare time. Though at about 35:30 there is a very funny comedy bit (approx. 10 minutes) about being the bad apple.

If this blog has given you the idea that you can blame others for any poor performance you or your group have suffered, enjoy that feeling while it lasts. Next up I will blog about why you really can’t pass the buck.

Seth Godin wrote today about how people without goals can have more fun now and worry less. But those who have goals accomplish more. They lead. I would also suggest that the fun of now has diminishing returns. Hedonism is only enjoyable for so long before the shallowness gets to you.

Victor Frankl’s book Man’s Search For Meaning is by far the best source I know for understanding how important it is to have personal and/or professional goals. Even though goals can often lead to work and accountability and stress and frustration, there is no deeper fun than eagerly striving toward something important.

I recently wrote that we should seek more involvement in 2009. One element of involvement is experience. People want experiences. They want to have done or seen something interesting. Art is something that can certainly be interesting but is often static. Then someone comes along and gives you an art experience that literally jumps up from the sidewalk at you while you are walking by. Now that’s a cool experience.

If you are a business owner or manager or sales person or parent it’s worth thinking about the experiences you are creating for the people around you. What are the new or interactive or novel or exciting or engaging or fascinating moments you are creating for them?

Everyone wants great experiences, but they don’t happen on their own. Someone has to go out and make them happen.

Happy New Year everyone.

I’d like to propose a group resolution this year. Let’s see if we can make 2009 more interesting and engaging. Here’s an interesting post by Steve Roesler about spending less time lecturing and more time in discussion and activity. This is great advice for a trainer/speaker, but also for anyone who works with groups of people.

For the most part people tend to be most engaged when they are actively participating in the discussion. I’ve written about this before in my article for Practicing magazine about why meetings fail. By my estimate over 95% of corporate meetings follow the large group discussion format. Only 1 person speaks at a time. Everyone else listens. In most groups only a few people occupy all the airspace. The rest are disengaged. Read my article for suggestions on how to switch that.

Even in social settings this applies. Last night I was at a small gathering with a handful of friends. I noticed that when there was only one conversation going a few people didn’t really talk. They disengaged. So I broke off a side conversation with them. They became animated and energized.

Whether you are speaking to a large group, running a meeting, or just hanging out with friends, let’s all spend 2009 helping one another be a little more engaged. All it takes is some little discussions.