I was speaking with a friend of mine whose mother-in-law had just passed away. They were very close and it was a tough loss for her and her husband. At one point in our conversation we turned to the difficulty so many people have talking to someone who has lost a loved one. Some people had avoided speaking with her altogether. Others were stiff and awkward, completely uncertain about what to say.

This reminded me of my grandmother’s passing. My father at that time taught me two things: (1) how I want to grieve, (2) how I want to support others in grief. In short, he turned his mother’s passing into an opportunity to celebrate her life and to celebrate the coming together of the family for the funeral. He didn’t suppress his sorrow, but he also comfortably unleashed his happiness at seeing his brother, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.

And so when I talk to someone facing grief, this is what I say:

I’m very sorry to hear about your loss.
Please accept my condolences.
I wish for you an easy grief with the comfort of loving family and friends and the joy of the best memories you have of your loved one.

Then I ask about those best memories.

Everyone grieves differently. This isn’t the best way to do it. But for anyone who has suffered a recent loss or knows someone who has, I hope this perspective helps.

Remember, even in grief we can savor the moments of our lives.