Yesterday I wrote about a system for receiving feedback. Today I’ll expand on that a bit with a warning for how NOT to receive feedback.

How much do you love feedback? Isn’t it awesome? It has to be the best invention since ice cream. Right? No?

How about when the feedback is wrong? Even better, how about when the person giving you the feedback is really the one causing all the problems? Then it’s fantastic. Right?

You just explain to that person how their feedback is flawed and then give them the feedback that they so clearly need and deserve. It works every time. Right?

No?

There is no such thing as a great feedback exchange. It doesn’t work. I know you’ve envisioned it. You’ve probably tried it too. They make their point - tell you about the mistakes you’ve made. Then you explain how completely wrong they are and point out how in fact they are the ones who made all the mistakes. It culminates in their humble and impressed admission that in fact they were wrong the whole time and you were right. Perfect! Astounding! And of course, complete fantasy.

Feedback is a gift. And this gift cannot be mutually given. It is uni-directional. As soon as you try to give a similar gift back the feedback becomes defensive, competitive, and antagonistic.

This is a question of timing. If you are overly concerned with the past, then being right and standing up for what you’ve done guide your actions, create the feedback exchange, and result in anger and frustration for both parties.

If you look to the future, then feedback becomes a window into the other person’s psyche and how best to manage that relationship going forward. It doesn’t matter what’s happened. It only matters how you can make the most of that relationship. No feedback exchange necessary. No fight. Life is good.