I was facilitating a strategic planning offsite for one of my clients. They started by defining their mission – who they wanted to be in their organization. The idea they came up with was that they wanted to be “The Collaboration Team.” Any time anyone else in the company started a major project they wanted to be known as the team to call, the best collaborators around. They were pretty proud of themselves for this. There were high fives all around.

The following day they were discussing a project and another group was mentioned. Immediately they joined together in an outcry of frustration and criticism.

“The other group is political.”
“Their work isn’t as good as ours.”
“They don’t try as hard as we do.”
“They’re manipulative.”
On and on it went. Finally I stopped them.

I said, “Wait a second. Don’t you want to be The Collaborative Team? You can’t be that team if this is the way you talk about your peers.”

There was silence. So I continued.

“If they were meeting somewhere this week and your names came up, what do you think they would say about you?”

After a long pause their leader finally said, “They’d probably say the same things about us.”

What followed was a highly energized discussion about what had led them to these views and how they could avoid falling into such beliefs in the future. They finally came up with an idea that was part slogan, part policy, part mantra.

Assume Best Intentions.

Any time someone on their team became frustrated with someone else or questioned their motives, every other team member had the right and the responsibility to remind them to Assume Best Intentions. They would ask each other, “What would you say about that person if you assumed they had the best intentions?” It permeated all of their relationships within their team and between them and their peers, clients, and management.

A year after that meeting the manager of that team told me they had had a banner year. And yes, they were making their name as The Collaborative Team. He didn’t attribute this to their hard work, dedication, or skill. He said every single success they experienced came back to assuming best intentions. It increased information flow, broke down silos, healed damaged relationships, helped them bounce back from and respond positively to frustrating management decisions. He said it helped every facet of their relationships and their work.

So what would happen in your work and your life if you assumed that the people around you had the best intentions?

So you failed. You made a big mistake. Now what?

There is a wonderful story I heard in grad school about a small paper goods company in Pennsylvania in the 80’s. One of the Vice Presidents of this company made an error that cost the company over $10,000,000 (a lot of money at that time). The CEO was asked after the fact why he didn’t fire the VP. His response, “I just spent $10,000,000 to train him. Why would I fire him?”

Not all bosses would take that view. So here are two questions.

If you are the one who experienced failure, how do you clearly show (a) that you’ve learned and (b) what you’ve learned.
If you are the boss (or the parent), how do you show the person who failed that it’s okay to (a) admit it and (b) discuss what they learned.

If you never make a big mistake it’s because you never take a big chance. If you make mistakes and cover them up you’re more likely to make them again and the people around you are more likely to make them as well.

It’s not true that you’ll never know until you try. Or at least it’s only partially true. You can learn a lot by trying, but you can learn even more by failing. You can learn:

What causes failure
How to react to adversity
Who your real friends are
How passionate you are about what you do
Who you really want to be
That you can be imperfect
That you can bounce back

So it’s okay. Go fail. Even fail gloriously. Just make sure you learn along the way.

Yesterday I wrote about a system for receiving feedback. Today I’ll expand on that a bit with a warning for how NOT to receive feedback.

How much do you love feedback? Isn’t it awesome? It has to be the best invention since ice cream. Right? No?

How about when the feedback is wrong? Even better, how about when the person giving you the feedback is really the one causing all the problems? Then it’s fantastic. Right?

You just explain to that person how their feedback is flawed and then give them the feedback that they so clearly need and deserve. It works every time. Right?

No?

There is no such thing as a great feedback exchange. It doesn’t work. I know you’ve envisioned it. You’ve probably tried it too. They make their point – tell you about the mistakes you’ve made. Then you explain how completely wrong they are and point out how in fact they are the ones who made all the mistakes. It culminates in their humble and impressed admission that in fact they were wrong the whole time and you were right. Perfect! Astounding! And of course, complete fantasy.

Feedback is a gift. And this gift cannot be mutually given. It is uni-directional. As soon as you try to give a similar gift back the feedback becomes defensive, competitive, and antagonistic.

This is a question of timing. If you are overly concerned with the past, then being right and standing up for what you’ve done guide your actions, create the feedback exchange, and result in anger and frustration for both parties.

If you look to the future, then feedback becomes a window into the other person’s psyche and how best to manage that relationship going forward. It doesn’t matter what’s happened. It only matters how you can make the most of that relationship. No feedback exchange necessary. No fight. Life is good.

Most people love to receive gifts. So when someone gives us the gift of honesty, why do we rebel? When we are offered feedback, why do we get defensive or angry? Are our egos so delicate?

In fact we are conditioned to do this, to defend ourselves from attackers, to be right. We also generally believe we are good people, and so if someone got hurt we want to believe that it wasn’t our fault. Yet the way we treat feedback is almost perfectly designed to increase the likelihood that we will repeat our mistakes.

We need new guidelines for how to receive feedback. Our current methods certainly aren’t working.

So here is my 3 step process for receiving feedback.

1. Action. Find out what specifically you did. What were the actions you took?

2. Impact. Find out how your actions affected others feelings, perceptions, behaviors, results.

3. Decision. Decide on a new behavior or action you can take in the future that will result in a better impact.

It’s your feedback AID.

Who was right doesn’t matter. Who made mistakes doesn’t matter. You took an action that created a result that was different from what you and/or the other person wanted. So you identified a new behavior to create a more desirable outcome in the future.

WARNING: This post might be somewhat US ethnocentric.

Do you remember how the Olympics used to be? When I was a kid there was nothing bigger than the Olympics. For months beforehand advertisers waged fierce campaigns. Then during the event it dominated everything in our lives – TV, newspapers, our conversations.

This week when I saw an ad that the Olympics were beginning in 5 days, it caught me by surprise. I had no idea.

Why is that? What’s changed?

There are two explanations. First, they split the Olympics in two. Now it comes around every two years. It’s more regular and when it happens it doesn’t last as long. It’s a two week event instead of an 8 month extravaganza.

Second, the Cold War ended. We used to care deeply about whether the US or the USSR won more medals. It was more important than who won the World Series or Super Bowl that year. It was more important than who won the election that year. (Yes, remember that? We used to have the winter and summer Olympics and the Presidential election all in one year.)

Think about this in your own life. Do you want to make a really big deal out of something? If you do, concentrate it in a single, focused event, and find yourself a rival.

Want your company to start the year strong? Run a sales competition.

Doing a PTA fundraiser? Create a competition with another school.

Releasing a new product (like a book)? Make a big deal out of the launch, focusing everyone on a specific event.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch the Olympics. Or maybe not. No big deal either way.

When is the last time you bit your tongue? Or stubbed your toe?

These are minor mistakes within everyday practices. You eat and walk so much that these are somewhat inevitable. They come with the territory. They’re good.

When was your last car accident? Was it your fault? Be honest.

This is a dangerous mistake born of inattention to an important process. This isn’t good.

When was the last time you took on a task that was beyond your ability? You lacked the skill but had the enthusiasm. Or you stepped up because someone had to do it. Then you bombed. You made a big mistake. Maybe you had a huge public failure.

This is good. No. In fact, it’s great. It means you are giving yourself the chance to learn and grow and achieve something spectacular.

When we avoid the possibility of big mistakes we accept stasis. We accept that this is just how our world will be from now on. We’ve opted for predictability and comfort and accepted routine and boredom in the package.

When we try to avoid even the little mistakes it is as though we curl up in a fetal position and shut out the world. Fear is our guide.

Mistakes are good.

Mistakes are fantastic.

Mistakes let us know we are still alive. And trying. And thriving.

A friend asked me how I could blog every day. How can I keep finding new content? I said I worried about the same thing – until I created a system. A system makes it easy.

First, the moment anything at all strikes me as interesting I write it down, even if it is a two word note to remind me for future use.

Second, I look for batches of blogs. One day of jury duty gave me 3 blogs about opportunity, fault, and influence. A speech for the Miami Children’s Hospital gave me 1, 2, 3, 4 blog posts.

Third, if I don’t have anything at the ready I have a dozen websites – blogs, news sites, video sites – that I look through for inspiration.

In fact, with the system I’ve never felt at a loss. And this is equally true for just about anything.

You want to build a business? What’s your system for contacting new prospects and servicing existing clients?

You want to keep a clean house? What’s your system for which rooms get cleaned and which tasks performed on what days?

You want to have more confidence? What’s your system for bolstering yourself when you would otherwise shrink?

There’s even a system for holding your breath a world record 17 minutes and 4 seconds. All it takes is a system. Piece of cake.

On Thursday I spoke at the annual planning meeting for the Miami Children’s Hospital (MCH) senior leadership team. It was unbelievably moving. I’ve already written about what I learned from from their mascot and one of their honorees. Here’s my third lesson from MCH.

It felt like a bipartisan State of the Union address. Every few minutes some new name was mentioned, someone else was honored, a new person was brought to the stage, and each time this group burst into applause . . . and stood. A standing ovation every few minutes or so.

But State of the Union isn’t right. Those ovations always feel canned to me. This was more like a Viennese crowd after a Placido Domingo encore. This audience was genuinely thrilled, ecstatic for their colleagues, employees, leaders, donors, and speakers. Everyone in that ballroom felt it. I’ve been to a lot of organization meetings like this. I’ve never seen such genuine caring and enthusiasm.

There is something magical that happens when you go past applause to a standing ovation. Applause is expected. It’s natural. It’s part of the cultural norm. Group setting. Someone is recognized, a segment ends. Clap your hands. That’s the way it’s done.

Standing ovations are different. They feel extraordinary – on the giving and receiving end. Here’s the sad part. We don’t give them because we don’t want to embarrass ourselves. How often have you been in an audience and thought about standing up for an ovation, but you didn’t want to be the only one? You didn’t want to stick out or appear foolish.

But it’s worth it. Whatever embarrassment you might feel is worth the benefit – of being the leader, the trendsetter who gets everyone else up; of being the benefactor of the pride the person in front of the room feels; of being the beneficiary of the joy that comes from making someone else’s day. It’s worth it.

Truth is, you may not be in an audience like this too often. So what’s the equivalent in your world? Where are your opportunities for over the top enthusiastic recognition of the people around you? Figure it out. It’s magical for them and for you.

You may not think you are famous, but you are.

Liz was always happy. It was her personal legend. She was known for it, and because of that people wanted to work with her, be around her, have her as a friend and colleague.

Michelle cced her buddies on any email to her manager. That was her personal legend. She was known for it, and because of that people didn’t trust her. They saw her mistrust of management and knew that regardless of her talent, she wasn’t someone they wanted to attach to.

Richard asked for feedback and responded with gratitude when he received it – every time. That was his legend. He was known for it, and because of that people loved working for him and trusted that they could tell him anything.

You may not realize it, but you are well known, even famous. So what are you famous for?