Someone told me recently she had hit rock bottom. The source of her anguish was difficulty at work. Her family was fine – everyone was healthy. Her finances were in great shape – no problem there. She had no physical malady. Yet her view of her life was “rock bottom.”

Most of us know that the way we speak shapes our reality. The more we talk of “rock bottom” the more our life takes on the characteristics of that lowest depth. So why do we do that to ourselves?

I think part of the problem is that we don’t know what we should be saying. We take a convenient term that fits the thing we are noticing at the moment and we place the label. Since it seems to fit we use it over and over, not realizing that every time we say it we make it more valid, more solid, more a part of our reality.

My boss is a jerk.
This job sucks.
I can’t.
I give up.
Why is nothing easy?
My child is a difficult child.
I’ve hit rock bottom.

So what’s the alternative? If our words shape our reality, what should we be saying? Try these on. Pick one that works for you. If it fits, use it over and over until it is your reality.

This is nothing.
I’m better than this.
I can beat this.
I can do it.

Or one of my favorites:

Wow! I am so unbelievably lucky.

So you failed. You made a big mistake. Now what?

There is a wonderful story I heard in grad school about a small paper goods company in Pennsylvania in the 80’s. One of the Vice Presidents of this company made an error that cost the company over $10,000,000 (a lot of money at that time). The CEO was asked after the fact why he didn’t fire the VP. His response, “I just spent $10,000,000 to train him. Why would I fire him?”

Not all bosses would take that view. So here are two questions.

If you are the one who experienced failure, how do you clearly show (a) that you’ve learned and (b) what you’ve learned.
If you are the boss (or the parent), how do you show the person who failed that it’s okay to (a) admit it and (b) discuss what they learned.

If you never make a big mistake it’s because you never take a big chance. If you make mistakes and cover them up you’re more likely to make them again and the people around you are more likely to make them as well.

It’s not true that you’ll never know until you try. Or at least it’s only partially true. You can learn a lot by trying, but you can learn even more by failing. You can learn:

What causes failure
How to react to adversity
Who your real friends are
How passionate you are about what you do
Who you really want to be
That you can be imperfect
That you can bounce back

So it’s okay. Go fail. Even fail gloriously. Just make sure you learn along the way.

Yesterday I wrote about a system for receiving feedback. Today I’ll expand on that a bit with a warning for how NOT to receive feedback.

How much do you love feedback? Isn’t it awesome? It has to be the best invention since ice cream. Right? No?

How about when the feedback is wrong? Even better, how about when the person giving you the feedback is really the one causing all the problems? Then it’s fantastic. Right?

You just explain to that person how their feedback is flawed and then give them the feedback that they so clearly need and deserve. It works every time. Right?

No?

There is no such thing as a great feedback exchange. It doesn’t work. I know you’ve envisioned it. You’ve probably tried it too. They make their point – tell you about the mistakes you’ve made. Then you explain how completely wrong they are and point out how in fact they are the ones who made all the mistakes. It culminates in their humble and impressed admission that in fact they were wrong the whole time and you were right. Perfect! Astounding! And of course, complete fantasy.

Feedback is a gift. And this gift cannot be mutually given. It is uni-directional. As soon as you try to give a similar gift back the feedback becomes defensive, competitive, and antagonistic.

This is a question of timing. If you are overly concerned with the past, then being right and standing up for what you’ve done guide your actions, create the feedback exchange, and result in anger and frustration for both parties.

If you look to the future, then feedback becomes a window into the other person’s psyche and how best to manage that relationship going forward. It doesn’t matter what’s happened. It only matters how you can make the most of that relationship. No feedback exchange necessary. No fight. Life is good.

Most people love to receive gifts. So when someone gives us the gift of honesty, why do we rebel? When we are offered feedback, why do we get defensive or angry? Are our egos so delicate?

In fact we are conditioned to do this, to defend ourselves from attackers, to be right. We also generally believe we are good people, and so if someone got hurt we want to believe that it wasn’t our fault. Yet the way we treat feedback is almost perfectly designed to increase the likelihood that we will repeat our mistakes.

We need new guidelines for how to receive feedback. Our current methods certainly aren’t working.

So here is my 3 step process for receiving feedback.

1. Action. Find out what specifically you did. What were the actions you took?

2. Impact. Find out how your actions affected others feelings, perceptions, behaviors, results.

3. Decision. Decide on a new behavior or action you can take in the future that will result in a better impact.

It’s your feedback AID.

Who was right doesn’t matter. Who made mistakes doesn’t matter. You took an action that created a result that was different from what you and/or the other person wanted. So you identified a new behavior to create a more desirable outcome in the future.

On the acknowledgements page of the first draft of my first book I wrote that words could not describe my love for my wife. My editor slashed that with a thick red marker and told me, “Yes they can. You just don’t know how to use them properly.”

She was right of course.

Yeats, Dickinson, Shakespeare, Frost. They had used words to describe a love that deep.

So in my next draft I tried to tell what I thought was the truth. I wrote that I didn’t know the words to describe my love for my wife. Again. Red marker. She said, “You’re an author. Do better.”

So here’s what I wrote.

Above all, to my wife Beatrice, thank you for your laughter and your spirit. Your unwavering support has lifted me up and inspired me through every draft of this book and everything I do in life.

No red marker.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you all. Good luck finding the words you need today.

BONUS: I think there’s a really important lesson here. Twice I thought I delivered my best work to my editor. Twice I thought that work was good. Twice my editor told me to do better. Who can push you further? Who delivers honest feedback to you? Cherish that person. Thank them for the feedback they provide. And push yourself to do better.

WARNING: This post might be somewhat US ethnocentric.

Do you remember how the Olympics used to be? When I was a kid there was nothing bigger than the Olympics. For months beforehand advertisers waged fierce campaigns. Then during the event it dominated everything in our lives – TV, newspapers, our conversations.

This week when I saw an ad that the Olympics were beginning in 5 days, it caught me by surprise. I had no idea.

Why is that? What’s changed?

There are two explanations. First, they split the Olympics in two. Now it comes around every two years. It’s more regular and when it happens it doesn’t last as long. It’s a two week event instead of an 8 month extravaganza.

Second, the Cold War ended. We used to care deeply about whether the US or the USSR won more medals. It was more important than who won the World Series or Super Bowl that year. It was more important than who won the election that year. (Yes, remember that? We used to have the winter and summer Olympics and the Presidential election all in one year.)

Think about this in your own life. Do you want to make a really big deal out of something? If you do, concentrate it in a single, focused event, and find yourself a rival.

Want your company to start the year strong? Run a sales competition.

Doing a PTA fundraiser? Create a competition with another school.

Releasing a new product (like a book)? Make a big deal out of the launch, focusing everyone on a specific event.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch the Olympics. Or maybe not. No big deal either way.

When is the last time you bit your tongue? Or stubbed your toe?

These are minor mistakes within everyday practices. You eat and walk so much that these are somewhat inevitable. They come with the territory. They’re good.

When was your last car accident? Was it your fault? Be honest.

This is a dangerous mistake born of inattention to an important process. This isn’t good.

When was the last time you took on a task that was beyond your ability? You lacked the skill but had the enthusiasm. Or you stepped up because someone had to do it. Then you bombed. You made a big mistake. Maybe you had a huge public failure.

This is good. No. In fact, it’s great. It means you are giving yourself the chance to learn and grow and achieve something spectacular.

When we avoid the possibility of big mistakes we accept stasis. We accept that this is just how our world will be from now on. We’ve opted for predictability and comfort and accepted routine and boredom in the package.

When we try to avoid even the little mistakes it is as though we curl up in a fetal position and shut out the world. Fear is our guide.

Mistakes are good.

Mistakes are fantastic.

Mistakes let us know we are still alive. And trying. And thriving.

We all sell. Whether it’s a new car to a customer, an idea to our spouse, Girl Scout cookies as a 7-year old. We are all always selling.

So what makes a great sales person?

Salespeople need charisma. That’s what I’ve heard. But I’ve also coached sales people for more than 10 years. The successful ones are all alike, but it isn’t because of their charisma. It’s their curiosity.

Charisma can breed admiration and desire for a relationship, but it also wears thin shortly after.

Curiosity on the other hand is the most powerful sales tool you can find. Curiosity about the buyer will lead to a conversation about the buyers favorite topic – themselves. Curiosity helps you understand the other person. It leads to the discovery of connections and builds a solid relationship. And eventually, it uncovers the needs that lead you to a sale.

Charisma may get you a sale, but it will be a quick sale on a weak foundation, one that can easily lead to buyer’s remorse and few future sales.

Curiosity gives you a sale with a strong relationship that opens up all kinds of future opportunities. So be patient. Ask great questions. Care about the answers. The sales will come.

A friend asked me how I could blog every day. How can I keep finding new content? I said I worried about the same thing – until I created a system. A system makes it easy.

First, the moment anything at all strikes me as interesting I write it down, even if it is a two word note to remind me for future use.

Second, I look for batches of blogs. One day of jury duty gave me 3 blogs about opportunity, fault, and influence. A speech for the Miami Children’s Hospital gave me 1, 2, 3, 4 blog posts.

Third, if I don’t have anything at the ready I have a dozen websites – blogs, news sites, video sites – that I look through for inspiration.

In fact, with the system I’ve never felt at a loss. And this is equally true for just about anything.

You want to build a business? What’s your system for contacting new prospects and servicing existing clients?

You want to keep a clean house? What’s your system for which rooms get cleaned and which tasks performed on what days?

You want to have more confidence? What’s your system for bolstering yourself when you would otherwise shrink?

There’s even a system for holding your breath a world record 17 minutes and 4 seconds. All it takes is a system. Piece of cake.